Splooge: On Getting Older

When I put out the call for Splooge questions, I was surprised that most of the ones I received were philosophical in some way. Not practical. Which I guess makes sense. If I’m not talking specifically about magic, I’m unlikely to have practical advice. So I can see why I didn’t get questions like, “How do you get Strawberry Fanta stains out of a suede couch?”

But the thing about the Fanta question is that at least if I had an answer for that, I would be confident that the information I had was somewhat useful. With philosophical ideas, there’s no way of knowing. The stuff that makes a difference to me may be completely meaningless to you. So I can’t guarantee you’ll resonate with them in any way. But, oh well.

Now for the first email…

I've been following you since the early days of the Magic Circle Jerk so over twenty years now. This is probably just a function of the fact that you’re anonymous but you don’t seem to age even though you must now be in your mid/late 40s(?). I was wondering if you had any thoughts on aging. I’m in my 50s now and have been struggling with that feeling of ‘winding down’ for the past few years. This might not be the type of question you were looking for, but I’d appreciate any thoughts you had. —FE

Well, think about it this way… If I, in my 40s, give you some advice about “getting older,” there is going to be someone in their 60s or 70s who is going to read this and think, “What the fuck does he think he knows about it? He has no clue.”

But this criticism is actually the key to thinking about getting older.

Because there is someone who is 90 years old looking at the 60 and 70-year-olds and thinking, “You don’t have any clue what it means to be ‘old.’”

As we age, it’s so easy to focus on the time we wasted or the things we used to do that we can’t do now. If you’re 50, you might spend time thinking of all the things you used to do in your 20s—the fun you had, the activities you engaged in, the places you went.

Try doing the exact opposite. Instead of imagining the great things about being younger, imagine a terrible future for yourself.

I’ll do this a few times a year. At night, as I lay in bed, I’ll imagine myself in my late 90s. My body is weak and feeble. Every movement is painful. My mind is cloudy. My memory gone. My penis a useless bit of overcooked ziti between my legs. So many friends and loved ones are in the ground. I’m alone and lonely. Forgotten by most and a burden to the rest.

Oh, what I would give to rewind the clock 50 years and do it all over again, but really live this time. To appreciate everything and not take anything for granted.

I force my mind into that reality as I drift off to sleep. And in the morning I awake, and it’s worked! 50 years have evaporated overnight. I’m young again! My mind is sharper. Movement is easier. The ziti between my legs… occasionally al dente!

That is my ritual for when I find myself being a little bit of a bitch about getting older.

Try to appreciate where you are now. The truth is, the majority of people who are even just 10 years older than you would sacrifice most of their material positions if they could be the age you are now. And that’s true whether you’re 30, 50, 80, or 100.

If you have the feeling life is “winding down” it’s because you’re not doing a good job of creating a future for yourself. Start learning something new. Schedule something for this weekend. Have something “big” you’re planning for in the next year. And then have some audacious goal that’s at least five years away (10 or 20 years or more is even better). Maybe you’re going to write a Marvel movie and get it produced, maybe you’re going to get a gig at the Magic Castle, maybe you’re going to save up enough money to take a 6-month trip around the world.

Of course life is dull if you don’t have anything on the horizon. You need to be proactive in this respect. “But I don’t know what I want to do.” Well, then just pick any bold goal. It does not need to feasible. It’s just something to keep you focused on the future and growing.

But it seems like a lot of work, right? Focusing your free time and energy on a goal? I know. But this pursuit is exactly the sense of youthful vitality you’re missing in your life. You can’t just wish for it. You have to uphold your end, which involves pursuing a passion.

Yes, it’s easier to be lazy. Yes, it’s easier to watch Netflix. There’s nothing wrong with that if that makes you happy. But then you can’t complain that things are “winding down.” Unless you are proactively building things for your future, you will have no choice but to live in the past.