The Valentine's Day Mailbag

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Happy Valentine's Day, my lovers. I can't wait to spend an evening with you filled with sexual d'lites. (By that I mean I'm going to stick my thumb in you until you turn red.)

Joe Mckay wrote in to suggest this idea regarding headline predictions and the potential of delivering one on a day when something tragic happens.

If your pre-set prediction is that there will NOT be a terrible terrorist attack today. And there is - you can say "I guess I really am terrible at this".

This leaves the spectator thinking you kinda' did predict it. Since predicting there won't be a terrible terrorist attack would ordinarily be a prediction that would not very impressive.

That gave me a good idea for a good, ungimmicked, self-working headline prediction. You just mail your spectator an envelope and inside the envelope is your prediction which says, "There were no massive terrorist attacks today." But what if there is one, you might ask. Don't worry, because on the back of the prediction it says, "Off by one," a la Kolossal Killer.

Noel Qualter wrote in to direct me to this hard-hitting piece on the "15 Hottest Female Magicians In the World." I'm sorry, the "15 Hottest Female Magicians in the World (with pictures)." Lest you thought that would make a good text-only article. 

I may have made some different choices but it's hard to argue too much with the author's selections. Those are females. And they're hot. And they're magicians. Clearly his google search worked. 

It's actually nice that there are enough women in magic that a whole article (with pictures) can be devoted to objectifying and marginalizing 15 of them.

In my day if you wanted to masturbate to a female magician you were stuck with Eusapia Palladino. And we didn't complain. We shot endless ropes of ejaculate across her image because that's all we had and we liked it. 

We've come a long way. Sure, when I was getting into magic in the 90s, you'd go to a magic convention and be surrounded by ample, heaving, beautifully round breasts, but none of them were attached to women.

Noel also sent along this video. It's a few years old, but I hadn't seen it.

If you like that type of raw, take-no-prisoners, street-wise, hard-core, gritty, gangsta shit like I do, then you might like a couple of my other favorite rappings.  

Did You Hear About the Corduroy Pillows?

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They're making headlines.

In one of my earliest posts I wrote about my version of the headline prediction. In my version your prediction is only half-accurate and the implication is that you did something to make the other half of your prediction (some awful event) not occur. This is, of course, exactly what you would do if you had the ability to predict future headlines and you were at all a decent human being. 

My suggestion of what you should do if some truly horrendous thing happened (a huge terror attack or something) was this:

If that happened I wouldn't switch the prediction at all. I'd let her open the envelope and reveal the actual prediction I wrote and sealed in the envelope which says:

Pony rescues puppy from river.

Then I would look at her and say, "Fuck. I'm terrible at this."

A couple people wrote me at the time to say that approach doesn't really solve the problem. But I think it precisely solves the problem. No, it might not solve the problem of how it appears in your fake world of magical powers. But it solves the problem of how to approach the issue in the real world that you're inhabiting with your spectator. 

It's such a magician/mentalist thing to think, "What if a dirty bomb kills 40,000 people in downtown Seattle... how is this going to affect me." I think you'll manage. I don't think your target audience is going to mind. They're not going to be like, "What a day! First my aunt and uncle get crushed under the Space Needle. And now it turns out Pete can't really predict the future!"

I'm mentioning this now for two reasons. The first is because I have some posts coming up about failure and screwing up tricks. The second is because I've come across another perfect headline to start with in your prediction envelope in case you can't switch it out.


Waiting By the Telephone (and Book Report 2/9)

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In recent years I have been getting more and more into effects that use a cell phone. And the reason for that is this: If I invite a friend over to my apartment, or meet up with someone at a coffee shop, I don't know if they'll have a bill on them, or a quarter, or a pen, or a watch, or a ring. They sure as shit don't have a half dollar or a handkerchief. But I can know with almost 100% certainty that they will have a phone with them.

If you're not doing magic with cell phones, you're not doing magic with one of the most ubiquitous, normal, everyday objects that exists. Forget the fact that it's "electronic" and just remember that one of the best things you can do as an amateur magician is a trick with an object that is in your environment and cell phones almost always are. 

"But everyone will just think it's an app."

A few years ago I would agree with you. The first wave of magic apps were piping hot turds. In a classic example of magician creativity, they put out app-based versions of card tricks. It would be, like, an animated picture of a deck of cards, and when you shook it a card would rise out or other tricks that seemed like a step backwards from things you can do with an actual deck of cards.

But in recent years the apps have gotten so much better and so much more clever. They are, often times, invisible and the magician's phone might not be used in the effect at all (or seemingly so).

Two of the best iPhone magic apps are Earworm and MagicWebFX. What they have in common is that both of these effects happen on the spectator's cell phone.

The way I perform Earworm is this. I say, "I'm going to walk over there and dance to a song as I hear it in my mind, and just by the sheer power of my dancing, and the poetry of my movement, you'll be able to tell what the song is." I then walk a few feet away, take a deep breath, and start my dance routine. It's kind of a combination of Elaine from Seinfeld meets the Carlton meets Sparkle Motion meets Zumba meets the Bartman meets Lambada: The forbidden dance (I ooze sexuality) meets the guys from the rap song in Teen Witch.

Essentially I spazz out for 20 seconds then come back breathing heavy, look in her eyes and give an upward nod of my head as if to say, "Top that." I then ask her to guess what song I was dancing to but before she can give an answer I borrow her cellphone so I can bring up the song as proof. She gives me her phone, I go into youtube and start up a song (with the volume down, for the moment) and hand her the phone back to hold between her hands. 

I have her guess what song I was dancing to. She has no idea. I press her until she finally names something.

"We Don't Have to Take Our Clothes Off by Jermaine Stewart," she finally guesses.

I smile big. "You got it," I say. Then I do a mini-replay of my dance, and emphasize a couple moves I may or may not have done and how they go with the song. 

"I'm just glad you were receptive enough to my dancing that you were able to pick up on that. Some women are intimidated by it," I tell her. "My talent is a gift from god," I say. "What I do with it is my gift back to him." I nod sagely.

"Go ahead and turn up the volume," I say.

She does and the song she named comes spilling out.

We don't have to take our clothes off
To have a good time, oh no

"That song is right, you know," I say, pulling her in close. "We can just dryhump or something."

Another thing Earworm and MagicWebFX have in common is that they were both created by Marc Kerstein. And I'm pretty excited to announce that he is also creating an app for me to coincide with the book release.

The app is very different from anything I've seen in magic apps. As of now, I don't even think Marc knows exactly how it will be used, and he's building the thing. I don't want to give away too many details yet, but it does one very simple thing, and that simple thing is going to allow you to alter memories and change history for your spectator. The app is used in a particular trick in the book but it has a bunch of other potential uses as well; not only for the amateur, but for the professional too, I even have stage ideas for it. And my favorite thing about the app is that it won't seem like a trick with a phone or a trick on a phone. The app is invisible to the audience, and the phone is just used in a way that helps establish a reality for the spectator that you will go on to dismantle at the end of the effect. Because of the structure of the effects that you can do with this app -- specifically the one in the book -- the spectator won't perceive it as an effect with a phone, but one with their mind. Don't believe me? It's true, you'll see. I've done a version of this effect for years and it's one of the most mind-fucky things I do.

The app is going to be super-unreasonably expensive. But there's a reason for that. As I wrote in an email to Marc:

"The thing about the book is, the smaller the percentage is of people who read my site who shelled out money to support it, the more I want to reward the people who did by giving them a great book with a few extras."

And one of the extras is going to be this app. Everyone who buys the book will get it for free. And by putting a super-high price on it for everyone else, it means it will essentially be exclusive for you.

(Sorry, but it will only be an iPhone app. And yes, I know Android is a bigger part of the market, and they allow you to do things Apple doesn't, and all that. But, unfortunately, for whatever reason, the iPhone is the default phone for magic apps. You're in a situation where you're trying to get gimmicked cards for a bridge-sized deck. You still have a few months at least. Call it a business expense. I'll speak to your wife if you need to justify it.)

So today's book report is that it was mostly a non-writing day. I communicated some with Marc on the app and worked on some ideas with it. Then I took reference photos for the trick, From the Shadow of the Shallow End, and worked on setting up a system with Stasia, our illustrator, where we can easily exchange and track photos and illustrations. 

And now I'm up until 4am writing this junk.  

(Today's post title was inspired by Bleached. They put out one of my favorite albums of 2013 and their new one comes out April 1st. I know I can't talk you out of your love of whatever awful thing you listen to --Hoobastank or whatever-- but I feel compelled to spread the word on things I like.)

Rue Letting

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Here's an effect I'd like to see. 

The curtain opens after intermission. All the props, the animals, even the magician's assistant are now gone from the stage. A lone spotlight shines on the magician sitting behind a low wooden table with a black tablecloth over it. On the table there are five large, white styrofoam cups that have been numbered 1 to 5 with a thick black marker.

A volunteer is selected from the audience, either randomly or by the magician's choice (like, I mean, the actual choice of the magician). "Sir, please name a number between one and five."

"Two," the man says.

"Are you positive?" asks the magician. "You don't want to change your mind?"

The man shakes his head no. "Oh, you're happy with the mind you have?" the magician quips. A bald man with a fourth-grade education in the second-to-last row finds this hysterical. Some others in the crowd give the magician a pity laugh. Most remain silent.

The magician removes a large, heavy mace from his side and smashes the styrofoam cup to pieces.

"Thank you," he says, smiling broadly. He ask the audience member seated next to the first gentleman to name a number: 1,3,4, or 5.

"Three," he says, holding up three fingers.

"Okay," says the magician. "I will give you five seconds to change your mind. Please, everyone be quiet while this time passes." After an interminably long 5 seconds sitting in silence, the magician asks again. "Have you changed your mind?" 

"No, I'll stick with three," the man says.

"Perfect," says the magician as he beats down on cup number three with the heavy, cast-iron, spiked mace. The cup disintegrates under the weight.

"Now, would the woman to his left -- yes, you -- would you name a number 1, 4, or 5?"

"Four," the woman says. 

The magician pauses. "Ok... now would you like to change your mind?" The woman doesn't respond. "Would you like to change your mind ma'am? Or should I smash cup number four into oblivion. Is that what you want?" he asks. For a moment the wide smile on his face seems to falter, revealing something lurking just underneath, but the moment passes too quickly to register with the audience.

"Actually..." says the woman. "Let's do number one."

"That's your final decision?" says the magician.

"Yes," she nods. 

The magician slams down the mace. Cup number one is obliterated.

"Just two left to go," the magician says. "Would the gentleman to the left of the last volunteer please stand up."

An older man slowly gets up. "Okay," the magician begins, "this is very important. This is very, very important. Sir, please choose either cup number four, or cup number five. Whichever one stands out to you in some way. Cup four. Or cup five."

The old man mumbles something.

"What was that?" asks the magician, impatiently.

"Can I toss a coin?" the man asks. 

"Can you...? No. I want you to just choose whichever cup stands out in some way." He looks just off-stage and stops speaking and then inhales deeply. "Okay, sure. You can toss a coin."

The old man reaches into his pocket and removes a coin. As he picks away the lint he says, "Heads is four. Tails is five." He doesn't exactly flip the coin, it more just tumbles out of his hand and falls at his feet.

"What is it?" asks the magician.

"I'm not sure," the man says, squinting down on the coin.

The woman next to him picks it up. "It's tails," she says, "So cup number five."

"Thank you," says the magician, slumping back in his chair. "Oh, thank you." He lifts the mace and a voice calls from the wings of the stage. The magician turns to the voice, nods slightly and turns back to the old man. "Sir, just one last question. Would you like to change your mind?"

The old man lets out a rattle of consideration. The audience sits silently.

"No," he says. "I think I'll stick with cup number five." 

"Number five?" the magician says. "Number five?" he says again, slamming the mace down on the cup. "Number five? Number five? Number five?" he keeps repeating -- like an angry mantra -- punctuating the phrase each time with a strike of the spiked ball against the wooden table where cup number five had been. 

A few in the audience confusedly being to applaud, but it dies out quickly. The magician appears to be sobbing and the audience is quiet.

After a beat, the magician sits up slightly straighter and begins screaming towards the wings of the stage. "I did it! I did it, you sick fuck! Let her go! And get me the fuck out of here. GET ME OUT OF HERE!"

The magician's assistant walks on stage. She is sweaty and disheveled, her mascara is smeared down her face. She is directing an obliviously happy four-year-old girl on stage. With the same hand that rests on the little girl's back, guiding her, the assistant holds a gleaming chef's knife. 

"Daddy!" the girl exclaims. 

The magician tells her to run out of the theater and hide somewhere safe. The girl looks at her father, confused. "GO!" he shouts and she runs off.

"I did what you asked," the magician says. "You saw it yourself."

"You did," his assistant nods. 

With the point of her knife she gently tips over the final cup. 

Beneath the cup -- trussed and tied, pushed up through a hole in the bottom of the low table that rests right above his hips, and out a slit in the tablecloth -- sits the magician's cock and balls. Twine has been wrapped tightly around his testicles and a steel skeleton key -- the key acting as a crossbar, preventing him from retracting himself back through the hole.

"No more boxes?" the woman asks?

"No more boxes," the man agrees.

"No more swords?"

"No more swords."

The assistant deftly flicks her knife, releasing the heavily knotted twine from the man's tourniqueted genitals -- so sweaty and circulation-starved they have taken on the color and luster of an eggplant. 

He gingerly zips up his pants and buckles his belt.

The two look at each other.

"For my next trick," the magician begins, then stops himself. "For our next trick we will need you to make your mind a blank. Th-"

"That was quick!" his partner interjects.

The laughter from the bald man in the back echoes through the converted gymnasium.

Method:

Shit, I don't know. Four stooges to give you the numbers? Or five holes in the table, and a slit in the tablecloth under each cup so you can poke your dick up under whichever one is left at the end? I don't know. Let's not kid ourselves. You're just going to do bill in lemon anyway.

Gardyloo #4

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I'm going to take the weekend off after a few straight weeks working on this site, the book, the other book, the other other book, the other website, the apps, the newsletter, and the Jerx parody porn. 

Regular posting will resume next week. I have a couple things lined up including the second post in the Project: Slay Them series for armchair non-performers.

I have a few projects/ideas I'm working on that you might be able to provide some input on. So send me an email if you have any insight into these things.

1. Do you use a hand-held impression notebook or impression pad? If so, which one have you found to work the best and why? 

2. I have a razor-blade swallowing effect I'm working on where the spectator unwinds the thread that you swallow and never lets go of the end, yet the razor blades appear strung on the thread. Does anyone know if there is another version like this? I don't want to invest time in this if I'm reinventing something.

3. Do you know where I can get an all white Rubik's cube? I know the notion sounds stupid but I have a good idea for one. I'm guessing it would be easiest just to pull off the stickers and make one, but if there's another option you know of, let me know. [UPDATE: Thanks everyone who wrote in about this. I now have them tracked down. If my idea for this works, I'll post it up here in a couple months.]

I got an email from Hocus-Pocus the other day that tantalized me with this tidbit...

Hmmm... I wonder! Why does Shin Lim use this deck every day?  I guess it's just his completely unbiased opinion that this deck of cards that he created and is branded with his name is the best one out there.

And finally, congrats to Mark Davis, aka Mark Major, for getting an in-depth article on Wales Online! I must admit, I have not read the article yet. But when have I ever been disappointed by a small-time magician making the news? No, I'm sure this is another fine example of a children's entertainer setting the bar high for the art and certainly not being a stain on humanity. 

Hold on... just going to scan the article to pick out a couple key phrases.

Well, it seems one young boy is saying that Mark "took him for an afternoon out to Burger King." That's the Mark I know. I always heard him telling kids he wanted to give them a Whopper for them to wrap their mouths around. Great guy.

What else... oh, well look at this, someone describes Mark as "clothed in an aura of respectability." That sounds like a quote for the show poster, Mark! That's clearly a compliment, I don't care what context it's said in.

Congrats, Mark Major! We salute you!

Book Report 2/4

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[These updates are for the people interested in the forthcoming Jerx Book. Scroll down to get to the regular posts.]

Today's Work:

Today I worked on an effect I am temporarily calling:

From the Shadows of the Shallow End

This is my handling and presentation for Out Of This World. I spent much of the day researching every other version I could find, including all 400 pages of Best of All Worlds, Brent Geris' book devoted to variations on OOTW. From what I can tell, my version is different from any other both presentationally and handling wise.

  • The presentation makes it about something "bigger" than just separating a deck into reds and blacks and justifies every action in the trick.
  • No indicator cards are used
  • Just uses a regular deck.
  • Includes (what I believe to be) a brand new clean-up that is faster than the original, just as easy and not discrepant. 
  • Leaves the spectator with a souvenir of the effect (and no, it's not a playing card), that has meaning, and they will keep forever.