Beginner Ukulele Thoughts

I got a few ukulele-related questions after my posts on how I made $1000/week working 5 minutes a day (here and here). So I thought I’d give some quick advice on getting into the ukulele.

The audience for this post is non-musicians who like the idea of having something they could play and sing along to. The easiest instrument to do that with is probably the ukulele. You can get proficient enough to play 100s of songs in about an hour. It won’t be every song you want to play, but with just a few chords you’ll have options for a bunch of different songs to play.

Which Uke to Buy

I’m not going to direct you to the nicest ukulele with the richest sound, I’m going to direct you to the ones that I find easiest to play and keep in tune.

If money isn’t an issue, I’d go with The Flea Ukulele by the Magic Fluke Company

One of these will be up around $300. It’s got a wood and plastic body. It’s sturdy and does not go out of tune easily.

If you want something cheaper, I also like the Enya Concert Ukulele

This is under $100 box and has a carbon fiber body.

If you want a cheaper or more traditional looking ukulele, just search on Amazon and check the reviews. Anything with good reviews will be decent enough for people like you and I who don’t really care too much about having the “perfect” sound.

Learning

If you want to invest money in the learning process, then I find Yousician to be a worthwhile app. It’s a video-game-ified way to learn an instrument. It’s probably not the best way to learn, but it might be the most fun, especially if you’re a non-musician..

If you don’t want to spend money there are beginner ukulele lessons all over youtube.

I, personally, don’t find easier to learn this sort of thing from a video than just reading about it. I would recommend searching for “basic ukulele chords” and then just learning the first few they give you.

Here’s a page with four simple chords and a bunch of songs you can play with just those chords.

More Songs

To find more songs to play, I recommend this site, Betty Lou’s Guitar Tab.

The good: There are 1000s of songs on there with easy arrangements.

The bad: To make the music easy to play, she only uses a handful of chords. So she’s simplified the song and in many cases it won’t end up sounding exactly like the original (unless the original was simple to begin with).

But it’s good to have the option to play songs you know, even if they don’t sound 100% perfect.

So the way I would learn, if I were you, is to learn some basic chords (as linked to in the last section). Then use this Betty Lou site to search out songs you want to play and when you find a chord you don’t know, look up how to play it, and add it to your repertoire of chords.

You can do it the other way too, you can tell this site what chords you know, and it will tell you what songs you can play with those chords.

Once you have a couple dozen chords down, you can use a site like Ultimate-Guitar to get versions of the songs that are closer to the original.

And you can search around youtube and see if there’s a teacher on there you connect with. As I said, I find it a bit of a pain to learn from youtube because they’re usually going slower (or sometimes faster) than I want to go. But it might work well for you.

That’s about all the advice I can give. It should be enough to get you started out and after that you’ll find your own path.

The Juxe: Sad Christmas Songs

I’m a huge Christmas fan. I love the movies and the music. I’m not really into the “Santa” aspect (although that’s fine). And I’m not really religious so I don’t connect too much to the Jesus part either (although I do go to church on Christmas eve and I appreciate the ceremony and ritual of it all). I’m more into the the Christmas season and “good will towards men” and the customs and the gifts and singing and baking and all that good stuff.

When I was ten years old, I wrote this Christmas parody song, to be sung to the tune of White Christmas:

I’m dreaming of a tan titty
Just like the ones I used to suck
With a big red nipple
That shakes and ripples
When all the milk comes pouring through

(A later version changed it to: “With a big red nipple, right in the middle, where all the milk comes pouring through.”)

Now, that just might be the happiest Christmas song ever written, but I’ve also always enjoyed a good sad Christmas song throughout my life.

Today I’ll post three of my favorites.

Sister Winter by Sufjan Stevens

When he introduced this song on stage with Rufus and Martha Wainwright in 2008, he said it was about seasonal affective disorder and it got a laugh from the crowd, but I think that is what it’s about. (Although it’s not so specific that you have to interpret it that way. )

Oh my friends I've
Begun to worry right
Where I should be grateful
I should be satisfied

[…]

But my heart is
Returned to sister winter
But my heart is
As cold as ice

So he starts off talking about the good things he has. But despite those things, his heart has “returned to sister winter.”

Then he goes on to lament about a lost love

Oh my thoughts I
Return to summer time
When I kissed your ankle
I kissed you through the night

All my gifts I gave everything to you
Your strange imagination
You threw it all away

The song build and builds before taking a turn towards Christmas at the end. I would let it take you along that journey and not skip ahead in the song, or you won’t get the experience of the building emotion.

Some comments from the youtube video:

• “this is one of the most beautiful things i've ever heard in my whole life”

• ”The best Christmas song? Maybe... just maybe.”

• ”’but my heart is returned to sister winter’ makes the hair on the back of my neck prick up... really beautiful song”

• ”How does he do it? Just so fucking beautiful. So poignant.”

• ”That falsetto makes me cry. Precious (in a good, great way)”

Okay, enough build-up, here’s the song…

And here’s a really excellent cover by Joseph, three sisters out of Portland…

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Christmas Tears by The Four Seasons

The Four Seasons Christmas Album was far and away the most played Christmas album in my house growing up. This was one of the originals from that album, written by Bob Crewe and Sid Bass. Bob Crewe wrote many of the Four Seasons big hits (“Walk Like A Man,” “Big Girls Don’t Cry,” “Rag Doll,” “Can’t Take My Eyes Off Of You,”)

The song is a little hokey, but the vocal arrangement is really great. And when I was a lovesick middle-schooler, I would listen to it and think of whatever girl I was crushing on during that Christmas season.

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O Come, O Come, Emmanuel by Belle and Sebastian

I don’t know if this is technically a “sad” song, but it was written 1200 years ago before people knew that music should sound happy. It’s like when photography was first introduced and people didn’t think to smile in pictures—they just sat there looking dour. Well, this is an old Christian Hymn from before anyone learned that music didn’t have to be a solemn affair. So it feels like a sad song, even if it’s technically not.

This is my favorite version of the song. In fact it’s the only one I really like. It was recorded by Belle and Sebastian back in 2002, at the height of their powers and with their best line-up. Each verse is handled. by a different member of the band with the vocals and the instrumentation building until the final, beautiful verse.

[REDACTED]

Hey all,

I’ve temporarily removed this post because it involved an app idea, and someone might be doing something with the idea, and if so I don’t want people duplicating effort.

I will make an update at some point in the future with what/if anything is happening with the idea. And this post may return then.

But, Andy, I missed the post. I want to read what it said.

Sorry. It was up for over 24 hours. You know you’re supposed to be sitting at your computer, in your jammies, drinking cocoa and constantly refreshing the page, “Ooooh, I hope the next Jerx post is up! It’s the only thing I look forward to in life.”

Don’t fret. The post is just down temporarily as something may happen with the idea. So either you’ll hear about it again in the future, or it may be back up in a day or two if that thing doesn’t happen.

To make up for this missing post, I’ve pre-googled the phrase “funny picture” for you. Now you can click here and see the results for funny picture. Hope that helps.

Naming Your Virtual Magic Show

The other day I was watching an episode of Cheers. I’ve been rewatching the show on Hulu and I’m on season 9.

The episode I was watching featured Carla’s son, Gino.

And then I saw this credit at the end:

That name sounded so familiar to me, but I couldn’t quite place it.

But then I figured out what it was…

That’s right! He was a “grammar host” on the Magic Cafe back in the days of my old site.

At first I was pretty excited by this. I’m happy when magicians have real accomplishments outside of magic. And being on Cheers as one of Carla’s kids is a particularly cool accomplishment to have.

But then I got worried.

As a young man he guest-starred on the most popular show on television, and a decade later he was correcting grammar on a magic message board. That sounds like the first line of a biography about a guy who shot up a movie theater.

I was worried about the guy. But the good news is, I did some googling and found his site. And he seems to be doing well. He was on Fool Us and he’s doing a virtual show.

His show is called “Virtually Impossible.”

You might say, "Oh, I’ve heard of that show.” But no, you probably haven’t. You’ve probably just heard of someone else’s virtual show, because they’re all called “Virtually Impossible.”

As always, I like to be of service, so I’ve brainstormed some names for your virtual show, so as not to further crowd the marketplace with this one show name that everyone is using. Feel free to use one of these…

Top Virtual Magic Show Names That Aren’t “Virtually Impossible.”

Statistically Improbable

Essentially Unthinkable

Practically Inconceivable

For All Intents And Purposes Unimaginable

Impossibly Virtual!

Virtually Impossible 2: Money Never Sleeps

Abraca-mputer!

www.magic.fun

Hocus Skype-us

I Hope You Like Having Something Meaningless Predicted Because You’re About to See That A Half-Dozen Times

Are You Muted? Or Just Not Reacting?

No, I Swear, This Is What I Was Imagining When I Dreamed of Having My Own Magic Show

Ignore the Laundry on the Exercise Bike Behind Me: A Magical Journey

This Is What Jeffrey Toobin Was Watching: The Magic and Topical Comedy of [Your Name Here]

And You Thought A Normal Magic Show Was An Awkward, Stilted Event.

From the Device that Brought You Oregon Trail…an Evening With [Your Name Here]

Maybe I Should Pipe In Crowd Noise, Like They Do For Baseball

On the Plus Side, At Least You Can’t Smell Me: The Magic of [Your Name Here]

The Show That Someone With No Understanding Of What People Like About Magic Called, “The Future of Magic.”

What To Do With a Self-Lighting Candle

I picked up the Spark self-lighting candle last year on a whim and now I have no idea what to do with it. What would you do with one? —MM

Damn, man, that’s a pretty expensive whim.

This is probably not something you’re going to want to hear about your $175 self-lighting candle, but due to the fact that it’s not completely examinable, it can’t really be your primary effect. Yes, if you were performing a proper show with boundaries that are accepted and respected by the audience, then sure, you could present the trick as, “I’m going to light this candle with my mind.” And you’d get away with it, at least to the extent that they wouldn’t know there’s anything questionable about the candle (but they’d probably suspect there is).

In an amateur performing situation, if you say, “I’m going to light this candle with my mind?” They’re just going to say, “Cool… Can I see the candle?”

So, for that reason, I think the candle has to be used as atmosphere, not the main effect.

Here’s the sort of thing I would probably do with it…

Imagine you’re doing some sort of seance effect with a person or two at a table. The lights are dimmed. Off to the side of the table is this candle, but it’s not really part of the undertaking, it just happens to be on the table with some other stuff.

Attached to the planchette, you have a length of thread that is dangling off into your lap. It’s not “invisible thread,” it’s something a little stronger than that. But it’s something that is not noticeable in the dim light.

Everyone puts a hand on the planchette. You call out to a spirit to come join you at the table. Nothing happens.

You wait a good solid minute in silence, but still nothing.

“Spirit, if you’re with us, please make your presence known.”

Now, off to the side, without people focusing on it, the candle lights.

You pull back from the planchette and move your focus to the candle. “What the-? Oh, hell no. Fuck this.”

Now, as everyone is looking at the candle, you jerk the thread on the planchette, causing it to fly off the table (and breaking the thread in the process)..

So it’s two effects that are happening in the periphery, sending everyone’s attention ping-ponging back and forth. I find this sort of thing works especially well for spirit manifestation types of effects. If we’re all looking at the deck when it cuts itself, that may come off as creepy or it may come off as a magic trick. But if I turn away and start talking to you and the deck cuts itself over my shoulder, when I’m not paying attention, that’s going to have a different feel to it. It’s going to feel less like it was my doing, and possibly more like it was another entities.

Now, people still may want to look at the candle, yes. But because it wasn’t the focus of your attention initially, you may be be able to do something seemingly natural that would allow you to clean up. So, what might I do if a candle really lit itself unexpectedly? Apparently as the result of some spirit/demonic activity? Well, I’d blow it out. And if I was really freaked out, maybe I’d toss it in the trash. Of course, you don’t really want to toss a still smoldering candle directly in the trash, so maybe I’d go to the kitchen and run it under the faucet first. And it would be it the course of that reasonable action, when I’m out of sight from the others, that I would switch in an ungimmicked candle. Then I’d toss that ungimmicked one in the trash where people could see.

Of course, switching something while out of the room isn’t an effective clean-up if your premise is, “I’m going to light this candle with my mind.” You just can’t get away with being that bold. But if the candle lighting wasn’t your intention (apparently) then you have more leeway in how you deal with things.

You might say, “Okay, I can see it working in that situation. But that’s not the sort of thing you could just do casually or frequently.”

True. But I’m just trying to come up with a use for your $175 candle. I never recommended buying the thing in the first place.

Okay, here’s another way I’d use the candle…

If I just met a woman I was romantically interested in and we were back at my place hooking up, when things were still in the make-out and groping stage, I’d pause and grab her hand and have her rub her palm against mind, creating some friction. Then I’d take that '“energy” and gesture as if I was sending it out of my palm, where it would light a candle across the room. Then I’d turn off the lamp, so the room was lit only by that candle, and we’d get back into it.

It’s kind of a risky maneuver. Hopefully she’ll think it’s a slick maneuver. But there’s also the chance she thinks, “Am I hooking up with a guy who owns a remote-controlled candle?” That’s a thought that’s been known to dry up even the most turned-on females.

While We Were Out

Hey, everyone. Did you have a good November break? I hope those of you in the U.S. had a good Thanksgiving.

My break was bonkers. If I’d had a rubber snake in my overalls, I may have taken the easy way out.

What got me in such a state? Well, mainly my own idiocy. Although I’ve been doing this site for over five years, I haven’t really figured out the best way to schedule everything out. So that means this past week, which should have been a relaxing holiday time, was instead spent finishing the next book, writing a 30 page newsletter for the supporters, working on some stuff for upcoming posts, and meeting a deadline for a non-magic project as well.

I know this sounds like a real “woe is me” sort of thing. But I don’t really mean it that way. I more mean it like: “Wow… is me!” I’m impressed that I’ve managed to keep everything coming out right on schedule. I certainly don’t always have that steadfastness with everything I do.

I realize that I made a mistake early on with this site. I should have been really sporadic with my postings and constantly pushing back the publication of the newsletters and books. I should have disappeared for a couple months here and there. And then had supporters waiting years for a book that might never come. Maybe Kickstart a project and just take the money and run. That’s the smart way to handle this sort of thing. Take my advice, people. Get yourself a reputation for being flakey. It’s just too much work the other way. That’s why no one else really keeps this sort of publishing schedule.

What about Annemann? He put out 151 issues of The Jinx over just a few years.

Yeah, and then he put his goddamn head in the oven. You don’t think that was related?

Here’s a live shot from my webcam.

It’s not really that bad. In fact, it’s not bad at all. Everything is pretty much a joy. It was just my own poor scheduling that led to having a lot to do all at once. But, on the positive side, I think I’ve come up with a better schedule to use in the future that will more evenly distribute my obligations. That’s going to change things up for next year, but I’ll address that in a future post.

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That’s book #4 you see there. The final step before sending the book off to the printers is to print out the pages on my home computer and to read the book out loud. Reading aloud from a hard copy allows me to catch some spelling and grammar stuff that, for whatever reason, my brain had started glossing over when reading silently on a screen.

So that’s one piece of advice I would recommend to anyone publishing a book, which is a subject people ask about from time to time, even though I don’t know too much about it.

(My #1 piece of advice for anyone publishing a book is to read up on how to balance your text so it looks best. Yes, having typos or grammatical mistakes in a book isn’t good, but those only affect the sentence they’re in. What really makes many self-published magic books look ridiculous is bad layout of the text in paragraphs. You need to customize the hyphenation settings, word/letter spacing, glyph scaling, margin alignment, and so on, in order to make your text look like a “real” book.

And for god’s sake, don’t have double spaces between every line of text. It doesn’t make your book look longer, it just makes it look like a 10th-grade book report on A Separate Peace.")

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Last week, my friend who monitors the PO Box dropped off the first small batch of Christmas cards that had already trickled in after my request in the last post. I want to thank those of you who already sent one in. Initially I was just looking forward to getting them so I can pull off the trick I have in mind. But now I’m also enjoying getting them just because it’s fun to get Christmas cards in the mail.

I got an email that said:

I’m sending off a Christmas card to you as requested and initially was excited you were actually going to use them in a magical way. But as I put it in the envelope I realized it could be that you just want a shit load of cards to show off at your place. So when a new acquaintance walks in, she is hit in the face with cards everywhere. "Wow, I never knew you were so popular Andy!"

A social proof wingman. Very clever. —DKH

That’s an interesting supposition, but no, I actually have a trick planned. And I think he may be over-estimating how impressed people are by Christmas cards. I’m not sure how much social capital or poontang that Christmas cards generate. But, hey, if there is some of that as a byproduct, then I’ll happily accept it. I’d love to live in a world that worked like this:

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The most important thing to happen while I was away was that I discovered these at Walmart…

That’s with pretzels, people. They’re good as hell, and get my highest recommendation. Five magic wands! (I probably should have waited until I was reviewing something magic related to break out that rating system.)