MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Eighteen - Psychic Petting Zoo

The title of the post below is "A Bad Idea." Reading back on it now, I don't think the idea is "bad," it just in its nascent stages. In fact, when I'm done writing the book next year, my next "big" magic project is likely going to be writing a parlor/theatrical show. And even though it wouldn't really incorporate the following bit, it would take the basic premise (of an outside story that affects the performance) and apply it to the entire show. We'll see how that goes. Until then...

Monday, June 20, 2005

A Bad Idea 

Magic, at least in my lifetime, has always been a kind light entertainment (or entertainment-lite, if you prefer). Even when it deals with darker themes nobody really seems to take it all that seriously. You can be plunging swords through your assistant's body and people will still think, "The kids have got to see this." Some people, in an attempt to make their magic performances darker, and hopefully more significant, will perform "bizarre" magic. Bizarre magic seems to mean dressing like a douchebag and mentioning Jack the Ripper a lot, or something. 

Anyway, a lot of people who have seen Batman Begins have told me how much they enjoyed it because it was so "dark." I don't know what the hell they're talking about because Batman Begins isn't dark, it's just not intentionally goofy like some of the other Batman movies were. Big deal. Just because you're not campy doesn't mean your dark, in fact it could very well mean that you're kind of boring (as I thought much of Batman Begins was, but that's another blog).

So, I was thinking about a truly, truly dark presentation of magic and I came up with an idea that is probably a little contrived and artistically undoable, but I think it's an interesting thing to consider. I was thinking of what I've read about Richiardi's performance of sawing a woman in two, where he would cut into his daughter, without a box, and blood would spew everywhere and there was no implication that what you're seeing was a trick. And then I came across a passage in Chuck Palahniuk's new book "Haunted" which I'll reproduce at the end of this post. And those two things commingled to produce this idea…

You will need one stooge.

The magician is on stage. Actually, if it makes a difference to you it's a mentalist not a magician. The mentalist states that for his final effect he is going to perform a demonstration of psychometry. Five spectators are chosen in a seemingly random fashion and each is given a small drawstring cloth bag into which they are asked to put some personal object that they have with them (lipstick, comb, keychain, whatever). These bags are gathered up and given to the mentalist. 

One by one the bags are opened and the mentalist gives a reading of the person based on the item and then correctly announces who the item belongs to. "I get a sense that there are many people living in a small house. There's a great deal of noise and celebration…or, let's see… it looks like maybe a drunken celebration, but it's not a special occasion. It doesn't look like anybody actually works in this place; they all look very drunk and lazy." He says, while handing the sombrero back to its rightful owner. 

I'm kidding, calm down.

So we get to the fourth bag and the mentalist takes out a pair of sunglasses. "I'm getting a very powerful image here of a young girl and it looks like she's maybe camping or something."

At this point a man in the audience gets up and shuffles out of the aisle he's in and leaves the theater while the mentalist continues.

"Now, these are men's sunglasses so I'm guessing that it's your daughter or perhaps a niece…actually, it doesn't seem like a familial relationship but there is certainly a unique bond between you both. This is in the woods somewhere, I don't know if it has anything to do with camping, but it's definitely in the woods and it's a beautiful day. Is there maybe an M in her name? I can't see her face because she's walking in front of me but I'd guess she's maybe 6 or 7. This is great because I don't often get such a vivid image. It looks like it's sometime in autumn because I can see leaves over the ground. And now the sun is going behind the clouds. I…it looks…okay, she's turning around…."

"She's screaming…"

The mentalist stands there silently for 20 seconds or so, as if watching a movie in the distance, he looks incredibly confused and increasingly disturbed.

He blinks out of his trance.

"No…wait…I mean, whose are these?" He holds up the sunglasses. The crowd is silent. 

A woman says that the man who had been sitting next to her had put them in the bag, but he hurried out after the reading began. 

The mentalist turns and walks in the direction of the wings, he turns again and walks back towards the mic, changes his mind and walks off stage. 

Nothing happens for a couple minutes. Then the assistant comes on stage and says that the show is over for this evening. She gives back the item in the final unopened bag to whoever it belonged to and the crowd exits the theater into the dark night.
_________________________________________________________________

From "Haunted" by Chuck Palahniuk

Even with the security cameras watching her. Claire treats an antique shop as a psychic petting zoo. A museum where you can touch each exhibit. 

According to Claire, everything ever seen in a mirror is still there. Layered. Everything ever reflected in a Christmas ornament or a silver tray, she says she can still see it. Everything shiny is a psychic photo album or a home movie of the images that occurred around it. 

In an antique store, Claire can fondle objects all afternoon, reading them the way people read books. Looking for the past reflected there. 

"It's a science," the Countess Foresight says. "It's called psychometry." 

Claire will tell you not to pick up a silver-handled carving knife because she can still see the reflection of a murder victim screaming in its blade. She can see the blood on the policeman's glove as he pulls it out of someone's dead chest. Claire can see the darkness of the evidence room. Then a wool-paneled courtroom. A judge in black robes. A long wash in warm, soapy water. Then the police auction. This is all still reflected in the blade. 

The next reflections is right now, you standing here in an antique store ready to pick up the knife and take it home. You just thinking it's pretty. Not knowing its past. 

"Anything pretty," Claire will tell you, "it's only for sale because no one wants it." 

And if no one wants something pretty and polished and old, there's a terrible reason why.

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Seventeen - Course Correction

My history of writing this site and my previous one has always been one of push and pull with the readers. I was never interested in getting as many people as possible to read my old blog. Even with this site, where the site's existence is predicated on reader support, I have zero interest in a large number of casual readers. I'm only interested in speaking to the small percentage who feel a connection with this site, being sustained by their support, and fuck everyone else.

For that reason, occasionally I need to make a course correction when the site starts getting too many casual visitors (some might say this whole month is part of such a course correction). On MCJ I would often just take off for a few months at a time. Or I would make a post on a subject like...oh...say, the one below.

Thursday, February 12, 2004

Magic Brings Out The Kid In You! 

There are many professions whose practitioners have found magic to be beneficial in some way to enhance their work.

I've heard of pediatricians who use magic to calm their patients and take their mind off of pending procedures. 

Sometimes teachers will use magic in the classroom in order to demonstrate, say, a mathematical theorem or a historical event. Quantum physics (color-changing deck), the branches of government (Professor's Nightmare), and logic (Silver Shifter), can all be easily illustrated through simple magic tricks. "Where did that dollar bill go? I don't know, but I'd guess it was taken by Adam Smith's Invisible Hand of Self-Interest. Turn to page 87 in your textbook...."

And, of course, many priests have taken up performing magic and it has created it's own branch of conjuring known as Gospel Magic. These priests recognize that the altar boys are less likely to go home and say, "Father Don has been gargling my nutsack," if they believe Father Don to be a warlock allied with the powers of Christ. That's an intimidating combination. 

Yet there are many vocations that could utilize magic but don't. As I said there are pediatricians who use magic to entertain their patients, but other doctors seem to have failed to see magic's potential in their field. And of course I'm talking about abortion doctors. 

Here are some great ideas I have for effects for the good-natured abortion doctor who wishes to lighten the mood in his office and with his patients.

1. It's never too late to learn this lesson. See? You can entertain and educate your patients about the dangers of unprotected sex and exponential population growth. Maybe she's in a bad situation this time, but the power of your message will guarantee you don't end up with a repeat customer.

2. Right before the procedure, load some of these and one of these into her vagina. Then start pulling stuff out, and say, "What the heck's going on in here?" Both you and your patient will be having so much fun, the procedure will be over before either of you know it. 

3. I think a needle through balloon with one of these, would be a great effect. (Be sure to pop the balloon at the end for a built-in applause cue.) 

4. You could do that version of ring-flite that David Copperfield made famous, wherein the ring appears on a baby shoe that has been in your back pocket. For realism you should have a bloody stump poking out of the shoe.

5. And of course, what abortion magic routine would be complete without this effect?

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Sixteen - The Magically Mystifying Mentalism of Professor Magic and Friends

What follows is a description of the traveling stage show I imagined for myself back in 2004. 

Some of the jokes in it are callbacks to previous posts, so let me explain them. 

First, in a post about how phony the books that come with Larry Becker's Final Flashback look, I wrote the following:

"Now I'm sure this trick is very clever and I'm sure a lot of thought went into it. Unfortunately though, you're expected to convince people you have psychic power by using the most totally bogus looking book I've ever seen. Check out the cover for "Band of Brokers," have you ever seen anything so completely shady in your life? That picture looks like it belongs on the cover of the "3M Corporation's Guide to Team Building and Diversity Training," or in an ad for an insurance company, "Our agents are waiting to handle your claim." The one thing it doesn't look like is the cover of any legitimate book published in the history of book publishing. "Stained Justice" is pretty shoddy as well. But "Band of Brokers" is so obviously phony it's amazing. That thing couldn't look more suspect if it had a bright pink cover and was titled "Gimmicked Magic Book" by Fakey Authorton."

A little while later, someone sent me a mocked up cover.

The other thing it references is what I still consider to be the dumbest thing ever written in the history of magic. It was in Luke Jermay's book 7 Deceptions, which itself was one of the most unintentionally funny things I ever read. (I recognized it as completely untried and untested when one of the effects relied on you showing a piece of paper to a spectator. The paper says "woq" on it, and you ask them to read it out loud and they're expected to say "Walk." Then you show a second spectator the word "bom" and ask them to read it out loud and they're expected to say "Boom." This situation would happen exactly zero times if you tried it on the entire population of earth.) Mentalism was in a morass at this time as a bunch of dumb people tried to reproduce what Derren Brown was doing. So convinced were they that mentalism and magic were somehow different things that they didn't recognize he was doing magic tricks with better scripting. So they then spent 10 years trying (and failing) to reproduce his stuff based on his presentations. Geniuses!

I think history has borne out my opinion on that book and that style of methodology and performance as even Luke's work no longer resembles it in any way. 

But the absolute dumbest thing in the book came from Kenton Knepper, as I wrote at the time:

I've saved my favorite thing for last. On pages 8 and 9, Kenton himself pops in to write about one of his pet effects. Oh boy, it's a doozy. Get ready to have your minds blown. 

Find or cause someone to be under pressure and preoccupied. Someone stepping off the subway at rush hour is one good example. Without any warning or conscious rational [sic], walk up to such a hurried and self-occupied person and say

"This is a very odd thing that has just happened! You can't tell me your name!" 

A person who is sufficiently internally focused and scurrying to a task will have trouble indeed… 

When you see the person appear to be recovering from this type of minor shock or surprise, snap your fingers and say, "It's okay now, you can say it." She will usually not only say her name, but will also give you credit for making it come back to her mind.

Hmmm…no. 

No, that's not the way that would ever happen. It makes me wonder if Kenton Knepper realizes that he's peddling complete horse-shit, or if he thinks he's really imparting valuable information. 

This idea that if you walk up to someone on the street and tell them they forgot their name and if they don't speak for a second that people are going to think they really forgot it is such a complete insult to the reader that it's amazing. He says that even if the person argues with you that he didn't forget his name that the other people around him "will generally accept you have done what you have said." No they won't. "If for one second the person you stopped stalls, it seems as if you have done as you have claimed to the rest." Again, no. 

What would be really amazing would be if you walked up to someone on the street and said, "This is a very odd thing that has just happened! You can't tell me your name!" And he immediately screamed, "It's Billy!" That would be strange. 

Monday, October 25, 2004

On The Road 

A couple people have written recently saying I should post more often. I agree, I should, but the thing is, I only want to post when I think I have something fun or worthwhile to say. I don't want to force myself to post just because I know there are people checking in every day. That's how I maintain the high-quality content this site is synonymous with: I never post unnecessarily.

Unfortunately I haven't even been able to post as much as I'd like to recently due to my hectic touring schedule. As most of you know I have a traveling mentalism show and I'm in the midst of my world-tour. So today I thought it would be fun to describe my show for those people who aren't able to come see it when it visits their town, perhaps they're in a space capsule or maybe they're in the process of setting a world's record that involves living in a tree for a lengthy period of time. Whatever the excuse may be, there most certainly will be some people who won't be able to make it out to my show "The Magically Mystifying Mentalism of Professor Magic and Friends."

When I first get into a new city I always try and create some buzz with a big publicity stunt. These include, but aren't limited to, my harrowing performance of The Frisbee Catch, or a stunt called The Blindfold Nap. These never fail to get the locals talking.

Then, around 8 o'clock, the show starts in earnest. After a 90 minute opening act (dirty limericks by Sgt. Schlong and The Ballz), the lights are dimmed and I walk out on stage. I sing a slightly altered version of the Disturbed song "Down With The Sickness" called "Down With The Magic." During this, a clip of David Copperfield floating across the Grand Canyon plays on a video screen. It's truly a magical multi-media experience.

Then I invite a young lady on the stage with me and say, "Hello, have we ever met before?" When she says no, I say, "That's strange, then why does my breath smell like your pussy?" And I exhale slowly in her face. The lady is so surprised she usually doesn't say anything. When this happens the audience truly believes that my breath does, in fact, smell like the lady's pussy. This is called Wonder Words. Then I magically divine this woman's Select Comfort Sleep Number and send her back to her seat.

The next effect I perform is 7 Bic Pens to Kryptonite Lock.

This, of course, is followed up with Fakey Authorton's book test.

Next I sit in a lone spotlight and talk to the audience about these uncertain times we live in and how the last thing we need is more misery and more incertitude. I go on to denounce, by name, magicians who willfully contribute to this state of unrest by maliciously bending silverware with their minds. "Is this," I ask, "how a magician contributes to society? By purposely disfiguring cutlery? What might this world be like if instead magic was used to make the world a more sane, more rational place." Then I sit in silence and use only the power of my mind to straighten a Krazy Straw. The lights dim and the sound of John Lennon's Imagine slowly fades up.

For an encore I bring up the town constable who carries an envelope I sent to him earlier that week in which I have successfully predicted the winner of that evening's Harlem Globetrotters-Washington Generals game.

After the show, a select few ladies are brought back to my dressing room for a private vagina reading, an ancient ritual that involves analyzing the creases in a woman's vagina, and then fucking for the next 6 hours. 

And then we do it all over again the next night: different city, different audience, different vaginas…same incredible show!

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Fifteen - The Queen Pretty Saga

This one is a bit complicated, so I will have to walk you through it. 

In March of 2004 I get an email from a reader and he tells me about some interesting posts he's found online by one of the members of the Cafe staff. This member posted a lot on usenet groups which became google groups (I think). Suffice it to say, he was posting a bit on these internet forums that were all linked up. So he would post on something called alt.magic.secrets and by clicking on his name there you could see the posts he made on all the other usenet groups as well. Usenet groups such as alt.amazon-women.admirers or alt.fan.cock-sucking.

To see a Cafe staff member posting all over these forums was obviously a goldmine to me. But I'm hyper-sensitive to issues of privacy and secrecy (you should see the stuff people email me that is "for my eyes only" that I never spill to you animals) so I didn't immediately spill the beans on my site. But then I looked at the situation and saw a guy who was posting on a magic message board, under his own name, linked to his work e-mail, and just by clicking on his name you would get all his other posts on these super-sexy message boards, also under his own name, and also linked to his work e-mail. He had made NO effort to disassociate these aspects of his life so I assumed it wasn't an issue.

For the purposes of this little retrospective, we'll call our subject John Richey. That's not his name. On my blog I eventually scrubbed all references to his name and replaced them with Queen Pretty, but that pseudonym makes things a little confusing. So here is how things played out between me and "John Richey."

Monday, March 29, 2004

Still Helping Magicians

Today I'd like to help one of the Cafe's own staff members, grammar host, John Richey.

John is a big fan of "bears" and is looking for fun and friendship. He's "fun and very willing :-)." Oh hell, why don't I just let John tell you what he's looking for:

What say you, all? Know of any "bears" for our friend John?

You can read all of John's insightful posts by searching for his name in the Google "Groups" section. Unfortunately he doesn't post very often at alt.magic.secrets, in fact he only posts there as often as he posts at alt.amazon-women.admirers, but still, you'll get the point. 

I applaud The Magic Cafe's progressive outlook that what a children's entertainer does in the privacy of his own home or on alt.fan.cock-sucking, has no bearing on their ability to undangle your participle.

According to his website, John is a proud member of The Magic Circle, but I'll bet dollars to doughnuts that the magic circles he likes the most are brown and stinky.

Man, helping magicians feels great.

---

[2015: So that post goes out and some people take issue with it. They didn't think it was right for me to link to this guy's posts he made all over these sex message boards. (Sadly, I don't think you can find these posts anymore.) I would have seen their point, but take a look at that screen-shot above, that part that's crossed out, that's his work email address. And remember, ALL of these posts were just a click away from his posts on the magic usenet board.

So the next day I made another post.]

---

Tuesday, March 30, 2004

alt.fan.johnrichey

A lot of people are up my ass for yesterday's post. I don't care, really. But just so I don't have to write the same email to everyone who complains let me post my sentiments here.

First, I'm sure John Richey is a good guy and my post wasn't meant to imply that he wasn't. My post wasn't meant to be derogatory in any way. It wasn't meant to embarrass John. It was meant to embarrass those prudes at the Cafe who probably didn't know they had such a swinging cat on their staff.

Second, if you search for John Richey's name at alt.magic.secrets you can see his post and then click on a link to see all his other posts. All the posts were written under the same name and account. If he had used a pseudonym or gave me the impression in any way he was trying to keep this secret, I probably wouldn't have made the post.

Third, but then again, I do have a personal vendetta against those at the Cafe. As I said in my post last Wednesday, nobody spoke up in their secret administration forum when the notion of pursuing false charges of child pornography against me in order to shut this website down was brought up. This idea was brought up by Jon Gallagher in a thread titled "IMPORTANT -- Please read," that was originally posted by Steve Brooks. That nobody questioned this idea makes everyone who works at that site suspect in my book. In essence, what was suggested was an attempt to try and ruin my life by falsely accusing me of child pornography because I made fun of their magic message board! If that doesn't seem like the most absurd overreaction possible, then please, slit your throat, because you are a maniac if you think that's a legitimate way of dealing with someone you disagree with. (By the way, other ideas of how to deal with me and this site and the people who enjoy reading it were to 1. Threaten to sue (Mya Angel, Brian Proctor, and others) 2. Send false accusations to Blogspot (Lee Darrow, Steven Steele, Scott F. Guinn). 3. Write a strongly worded letter to my advertisers, an especially stupid idea because I don't have any (Steven Steele, who apparently thinks a link to Penguin's website constitutes an "ad") 4. Find hackers to put the site down continuously (TORA). This all makes me wonder what I'm doing here that they see as such a threat. I really don't understand, I wish I did so I could do it more. All I know is they have yet to challenge me on the merit of anything I post, just my right to post it.)

Fourth, I don't think there's anything wrong if you're a guy and you like a little bit of dick now and then. It's not my style, but I certainly don't think it's an indictment of you in any way.

Fifth, I don't think there is anything wrong with posting at alt.fan.cock-sucking. Nobody is a bigger fan of getting their cock sucked than myself. I have a big foam finger that says "Cock Sucking #1" and a baseball cap that says "Hooray for Cock Sucking."

---

[Two weeks later I hear from John via the email below. I posted his email on my site, as well as my reply which contains what some scholars believe is the greatest sign off in the history of written communication.]

Dear Sir,

My name is John Richey.

I have been informed that you have decided to destroy me.

Your reasons are clearly stated ...

"First, I'm sure John Richey is a good guy and my post wasn't meant to
imply that he wasn't. My post wasn't meant to be derogatory in any way. It
wasn't meant to embarrass Mr. Richey. It was meant to embarrass those
prudes at the Cafe who probably didn't know they had such a swinging cat on
their staff.... Third, but then again, I do have a personal vendetta against
those at the Cafe.... In essence, what was suggested was an attempt to try
and ruin my life by falsely accusing me of child pornography because I made
fun of their magic message board!"

Well, Sir, you HAVE embarrassed me. Indeed, probably destroyed my good name
and, as I shall show below, falsely accused me.  Why?  What have I done to
you?

You have taken the advert about "bears" completely out of context without
referring to me first. It was part of a series of jokes my wife and I were
involved with some time ago. But this is a PRIVATE matter between two
consenting adults. It is NOT your business and it has nothing to do with
whether I am a decent person or not.

I hope this doesn't surprise you but -everyone- has a sex life - even
children's entertainers.

I'm a family man with a wife and three lovely children. Possibly we made
mistakes in the early days of using the Internet and now, through you, we
are being pilloried for it.

Sir, I have had a British Police check and I am an honest man.

Please, is there any way you can leave me out of this fight and remove these
references to me from your site? (You will also need to have it removed from
that California site that copies EVERY website in the world for 'historical'
reasons).*

I hope that you will be a honourable man and do as I ask.

Please respond as soon as possible.

Kindest regards
John

* He seemed to think I had the ability to remove his usenet posts from the Internet Archive. Why he thought this, I have no idea. This was my response to him.

Mr. Richey

Had I thought you would have been embarrassed by the whole thing, I don't
know that I would ever have posted it. I certainly wouldn't have posted it
if I thought you would construe it as an attempt to "destroy" you. When I
saw those posts, made under your own name, clearly linked to magic posts
made under your own name, I figured you had no problem with people
connecting those two aspects of your life.

I don't have a problem with removing your name. But I do have a problem
with the manner in which you have asked me to do so. You, unfortunately,
have adopted all the worst qualities of your Cafe brethren and are so
narrow-mindedly self-centered that you believe your own bullshit and expect
me just to swallow it. But I don't.

So let me cover a few issues you brought up in your e-mail:

You say I "destroyed your good name." How did I do anything but link to
the words you wrote under that "good name" and then defend your right to say
it?

You say I took the ad about "bears" completely out of context. How, when I
linked to the original source material, could that possibly be considered
"out of context"?

You say that you would show that I falsely accused you, but I did nothing
of the sort. I didn't accuse you of anything, so how could I possibly have
FALSELY accused you of something?

You say that this is a PRIVATE matter between two consenting adults, and
if that were the case, I never would have mentioned it. BUT YOU ARE THE ONE
WHO POSTED IT ONLINE FOR ANYONE WITH A COMPUTER TO READ. How is that
private? How is that "between two consenting adults"?

The answer, of course, is that it is not.

Had you said to me, "Listen, I made a stupid mistake and posted something
under my name when I shouldn't have. Would you mind removing my name from
your site? I'm worried it might impact my business or personal life." I
would have removed your name that same day. In other words, had you been
honest in your dealings with me, I would have been happy to oblige you. But
the thing I can't stand, and have no respect for, is someone who wants to
blame someone else for something that is clearly their own fault. You do
understand that if and when I do remove your name from my site, anyone who
searches for your name is still going to find all those posts you made.
Right? You understand that, and you understand it has nothing to do with me,
yes?

And finally, I'm amazed that you can take such umbrage against my linking
to YOUR OWN WORDS, yet when the subject of contacting the District Attorney
to try and press blatantly false charges of child pornography against me
appeared on the Cafe's administrator forum, nobody (including yourself)
spoke out to say that it seemed like a bad (I would say "evil") idea. So
don't ask me to be "an honourable man" when you're not guided by honor, only
self-preservation.

The subject line of your e-mail was "Why Are You Using Me." You're
apparently unfamiliar with my website. I have no reason to care, and I honestly don't care, how many people read my site. It is not the Magic Cafe, so the lessons you learned
there don't apply at my site. I am not using you, there are no ulterior
motives. If my site offers anything to the people who read it, it offers
honesty. I'll remove your name from my site this weekend because it is my
choice to do so. I don't need anymore input from you, so please don't waste
your time writing, and certainly don't give me any lectures on being
honorable. And, as we used to say at alt.fan.cocksucking: Suck my dick.

Andy

He would end up writing back to me, apologizing for his tone, and saying he was just a "frightened old man." Maybe he was just playing me, but I couldn't hear that and continue to do anything that would torment the guy so I removed his name from all the posts and replaced it with Queen Pretty. And, unsurprisingly, Steve Brooks cut ties with him not long after that. My hope is that Queen Pretty took the time he didn't have to spend correcting people's grammar and spent it trolling for bears, amazon-women, and some good old-fashioned cock sucking.

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Fourteen - Father of the Pride

Do you remember back in 2004 there was an animated series about Siegfried and Roy and their animals? This is one of those things I haven't thought about for 10 years, and, if you had asked me, I might have thought it was some dumb idea I had in a dream. But no, it was some dumb idea other people had in real life. 

I now remember how delighted I was when I first heard about this. Think about it. An animated comedy series, about two guys who aren't funny, and their jungle cats, one of which just fucking tried to kill one of the guys in real life a few months before. How could this be anything other than a grade-A smash? In fact, what season are they on now? 11? Hmmmm? What's that? It didn't make it past the first season? Shocking.

Perhaps network executives thought this might work because the tigers were relegated to side characters and weren't the focus of the show, but that seems like a stretch. Like if I said, "I want to do an animated show about Bill Cosby. But don't worry, his systematic drugging and raping of women is only a side story." I'm not sure that would get the green light.

At any rate, a few months before Father of the Pride aired, I fantasticated about what some of the episodes might be in the post below...

Monday, June 28, 2004

S.A.R.M.O.T.H (Siegfried and Roy Masters of the Hilarious!) 

Those who know me know that there is nothing in this world I am more excited about than the upcoming computer animated show Father of the Pride about Siegfried and Roy and their jungle cats. This thing is a guaranteed winner. Whenever you tell someone that there is going to be a cartoon in prime-time about Siegfried and Roy and their tigers, the look on their face alone is all you need to tell you how eagerly anticipated this thing is. I really don't think network executives have had their finger on the pulse of what the American public has wanted since this show aired.

Anyway, I was fortunate enough to get a tape from NBC with the first 13 episodes on it and let me tell you, you better watch these things while sitting on a rubber sheet because you are going to piss yourself. That's just a fact. Finally someone has captured the hilarity of a Siegfried and Roy show and brought it to the small screen. Here are some of the highlights:

Episode 1: During a performance, one of the tigers begins to daydream and we see, through his eyes, Roy's head slowly morph into a triple cheeseburger. The tiger pounces and hilarity not only ensues, but also endures, in this soon-to-be classic episode. After being beaten off of Roy, the tiger belches and lets out what is sure to be the next big catchphrase (along the lines of "Is that your final answer?" or "You're Fired!") when he says, "I'm sorry I chewed on your head." Fun!

Episode 4: A whole host of comic situations emerge when S&R call their cranky boss (Old Man Periwinkle voiced by Scott Baio) to see if they can get the week off to be guest judges at an Idaho potato spanking festival. They think he says "yes," but he really said "no." This hilarious misinterpretation happens due to the fact that his voice is muffled by the tiger that is gnawing on his head. Things really turn upside-down when the boys get back from Idaho and must repay Periwinkle by babysitting his bratty nephew for the weekend. Buckle your seatbelts!

Episode 9: The tigers have a taste for human blood and the whole Las Vegas strip is in a panic! S&R do their best to contain the mayhem but the whole situation gets turned on its ear when a report come from Paris that tiger-mouth-hats are the next big fashion trend. Soon tourists are coating their heads in gazelle blood to lure these beautiful beasts and the boys find themselves without any tigers for their show! When they are forced to substitute fat kids for the tigers, will anybody notice? Watch and find out!

Each episode ends with Siegfried and Roy in bed together writing in their diaries about the fun times they had and the lessons they learned. The show is a treat for all ages.

Father of the Pride is really going to fit in with NBC's new Tuesday night line-up which includes a couple of other great shows. The first is called Horse Sense and it's a claymation show about Christover Reeves and his riding-horse as they go around to different places and solve mysteries together. And they're in a band. The other new show is called Mr. Jesus and Woody and it's about Jesus and his best friend Woody the Crucifix (the original "odd couple") and the shenanigans that occur as they attempt to share an apartment and teach gymnastics to homeless kids.

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Thirteen - The Magic of Poetry

I once did a contest on my old site where people wrote in erotic fan-fiction that featured the staff of the Magic Cafe. I considered posting that in this advent calendar, but when I went back to read it, it made me want to vomit. So instead I will post the efforts done by my readers for a more tame creative endeavor: The Magic Cafe Poetry Contest...

Thursday, August 26, 2004

Free Magic and The Magic of Poetry 

Well, hello, all. One of the first things I ever said I was going to do on this site was to give away some of my magic possessions in order to simplify that area of my life. I haven't done this in awhile but it's time for another free magic giveaway and this one is, what they would call in Latin, "a doozy."

We're all familiar with this man. Whether you know him as Max Maven, or Phil Goldstein, or Andy the guy behind MCJ, his contributions to this art form are vast and significant: no reasonable man could disagree. So all should be happy to learn that the prize for this contest is the Max Maven/Phil Goldstein Family Fun Pack (TM) which consists of: Focus, Redivider, and Shinkansen.

"Okay, Andy," you're saying, "Give me your address so I can come over and blow you for this wonderful package." Not so fast! You can win this contest without resorting to BJs. In fact it just requires a bit of creativity. You see, this contest will be won by whoever submits the best magic poem. "Magic poem...," you're thinking, "that sounds gayer then coming over to give you a blowjob." No, this will be fun. Here's how it works. Choose someone from The Magic Cafe then pillage a bunch of their posts for lines and phrases and then create a poem solely from these lines. For example, I created this poem from the posts of David Neighbors. Every phrase comes from one of David's posts, all the spelling and grammar are his own (and the Cafe's Grammar Gestapo). I have just cut and pasted them into an order that I felt was aesthetically pleasing. Here is the poem:

Killer Sponge Rabbits
by MCJ and David Neighbors

magical powers aren't that easy to come by
If I had real magical powers, I would just make a few killer looking women love me
maybe some of the older guys can help me out?

I don't know if I will ever be able to float anything more then a pencil
did not get mastery of time and space at the drop of a hat
making four coins jump from hand to hand is hard
I was going to show my powers just for entertainment
like an IDIOT!

I know someone who loaded one of Tod's $ 1.00 shells In someone shirt pocket
...then forgot all about it
..And lost the shell

I have small hands
In the spectators hands

I would just make a few killer looking women love me
I don't Know how
Does anyone know how

It's just that easy. Remember the poems (including the title) have to be made up entirely of phrases from one particular Cafe member of your choosing. And I am talking multi-word phrases, don't just chop it up into individual words, that's too easy. I suppose my own tastes lean a bit towards Robert Frost, but that would be a tough target to hit. The winner will get the Goldstein/Maven Family Fun Pack and there might be some runner-up prizes as well if I get a number of good ones. Enter as many times (with different poems) as you like.

The contest ends one week from the very second this post goes up.

---

Tuesday, September 07, 2004

Magic Circle Jerk's Poet Laureate 

The poetry contest has ended. (The contest, briefly, was to choose a member of The Magic Cafe, take lines from different posts of theirs and use those lines to construct a poem.) I received a lot of great entries and I'm going to post some of the best ones in the next day or so. One poet stood out as particularly fine. In fact, his poetry was so moving that I was shocked that I hadn't read his work before. He makes Shakespeare look like a fucking joke. He easily beats Yeats and Keats. If Maya Angelou had read his work she would have given up poetry to write ad copy for yogurt in a tube, if not just gone ahead and killed herself.

The winner is Danny Diamond (whose name is itself pure poetry). He won for two reasons. One, he submitted two good poems. Two, he was the only one to even attempt to tackle any sort of rhyme scheme, which was almost impossible with this, and somewhat succeed.
So here it is, the poetry of Danny Diamond.

This first poem comes from the posts of Phantomace. Phantomace, from what little I've read of him, seems to be a fawning little queen for the flourisher De'vo. And, in fact, that's what this first poem is all about. It's called...

A Dream Come True
by Danny Diamond and Phantomace

A 19 year old supermodel,
Just doesn't do it for me.
A legend, not a person…De'vo,
I have been lucky enough to see

The pants off of me,
His Heaven Display,
1 inch fingers about 1-2 hours a day,
Will have me screaming all the way.

At least add a girl…
LOL, you are wrong!
He said it will be between
4-5 minutes long. 

I jerked my head back.I
love to watch.
The Little Red Balls,
Were top notch.

Longer than I thought it would be,
UNCUT!!…De'vo's clean.
HOTNESS!…
A 2 1/2 minute blindfolded routine!

De'vo is a legend,
De'vo…is a good friend.
Some of his stuff is just freaky,
What's up with the chicken in the end?

Even though it is a quicky,
WOW!That's when I knew,
De'vo hooked up this young kid, 
Smoothness…A dream come true.

For his second poem, Danny took the posts of one of my favorite people at the Cafe and mix-mastered that shit into some dope flows that I'm sure even the original author will appreciate. So here they are, spinning wax and speaking facts it's...

Me, Me, Me
by Danny Diamond and Djvirtualreality

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality…
I'm well known…
I'm only 14…I am 15…
I always wear rubberbands… 
I have a bunch of time on my hands…
I just walk around in malls.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality…
I have a bunch of friends…
I play with my friends…
I love techno and club music…
I hate reading…
I always spike my hair… 
I hate harry potter.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality…
I slammed my friend's mom…
I haven't been caught yet…
I love to act a fool…
I have to take cold showers…
I've never had a soft one.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality… 
I learn off the exposure sites…
I don't own any effects…
I'm not worried about it…
I practice in front of my BIG mirror…
I can see a crazy man…
I wear a wife beater…
I have blisters.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality… 
I love to perform for girls…I
mess up on purpose…
I do this all the time in school…
I shot an ice blast at my foot…
I bleed a little.
I am very confused.

Yo, I'm Dj Virtualreality

---

[2015 - If you're interested in reading some of the other poetry submissions, you can find a bunch here: http://thelinesyouamend.blogspot.com/2004_09_01_archive.html ]

MCJ Advent Calendar - Day Twelve - Seduction Magic

I'm bummed that I can't find the actual ad that the posts below were talking about because you probably won't believe it actually existed, but it did. It was an ad for a plastic wine bottle that split open down the middle and inside were a bunch of cheap plastic magic tricks. And the ad implied that maybe you could introduce this bottle of wine into some romantic evening and then bust out the magic tricks to win the heart and genitals of some lady who had caught your fancy.

It was ridiculous. Magic, in the best of circumstances, is a turn-off as frequently as it's a turn-on. And that's even more true for tricks you find on the same spinning rack as the joy-buzzers and snapping gum. The only possible way this bottle of cheap tricks might get you laid is if you knocked someone unconscious with it. 

Wednesday, January 28, 2004

Gentlemen, Start Your Penises 

If you've read this site for any length of time, you know that I am a big believer that nothing gets your more pussy than a well done magic trick. Let's be honest, the days of the "bad boy" and the "tanned Adonis with rippling muscles" are over. The modern gal wants more than just a snazzy dresser. Today's woman is looking for a guy with a pocketful of close-up tricks. Did I say a pocketful? I meant a bottleful!!! Wheeeee!!!!

I want to thank Nate Marsh, who I'm sure understands the aphrodisiac powers of a well placed paddle-move as much as I do, for sending along the link to this site [2015: It's dead now, don't bother] It's a bunch of plastic tricks in a plastic bottle! But that's not all. These tricks are the types of tricks that get you laid! And just in time for Valentine's Day! Let me quote the ad:

"Do you have your eye on someone special? Now is your chance to impress them with your seduction magic. They will melt like butter when you wow them with your razzle dazzle."

And really, what woman wouldn't "melt like butter" when you seductively pull out some gozinta boxes or a plastic brainteaser. Women love brainteasers! It's like Spanish Fly to them.

After you perform the imp bottle you can say, "I know something else that won't lay down all night." Then whip out your cock and spray your load into her mouth (her mouth will still be agape from all the mind-blowing tricks you've shown her). She won't mind. She'll thank you for it!

The most amazing thing about this though is the price! There's no way they should be able to get away with charging just $15 for what is nothing less than a blow-job generating machine. I mean, the women are going to be lined up for you when you perform these tricks. No doubt. Seriously, if you get this set and perform these awesome tricks when you're done you're going to be like, "Baby, is your refrigerator on the fritz? What's that buzzing sound?" And she'll be like, "That's my clit, you animal! You're driving me crazy! And now it's time for you finish the job your magic ball and vase started!"

What I don't understand is, why this is legal when the date-rape drug isn't? Doesn't it amount to the same thing?

I'm going to break this thing open tonight and perform some of the effects for that someone special I have my eye on. I'll let you know how it goes over tomorrow!

Thursday, January 29, 2004

Part Two

Sally arrived at 8:30 last night. She was wearing a tight, knee-length, black skirt, with a slit up the side and a small, low-cut red top. This was the first time I'd seen her outside of the gym, and while I'd always known she had a beautiful body, seeing her raven-black hair freed from the workout ponytail I normally saw it in, spilling down her back, is what made my heart truly skip a beat.

I pulled her chair out for her and we sat down to the dinner I had made(shrimp scampi). After the first bite her hand went to her chest as if reaching for an invisible locket hanging from her necklace. "My god," she said, "this is the greatest food I've ever tasted. You made this?" 

I nodded. "I'm glad you like it."

"It's incredible. I'm really impressed," she said.

Throughout dinner we talked about our lives, our jobs, and our interests. I was charming without being sycophantic, witty without being vulgar, and flirty without being lecherous. She was a wonderful conversationalist, punctuating her remarks with a gentle laugh or a flirty batting of her eyelashes.

After dessert (tiramisu) we went to the living room, settling into the couch in front of the warm glow of the fire. She sat in the middle and I sat on the end, slightly turned in towards her, my arm resting on the back of the couch. After more conversation she moved herself closer to me, her skirt shifted up a couple of inches in the process. My eyes glanced at her tanned thighs that were almost exposed, she caught me looking, I gave a sheepish grin and she smiled in return. We both got quiet for a moment then, while tracing lines on my arm, she said in a quiet voice...

"I'm so happy I came here tonight. I was hesitant at first because I knew so little about you, but my roommate Cindy urged me to come. And I couldn't be happier that I did. This is one of the most beautiful, most perfect evenings I've ever had. I haven't laughed this much or been this interested in someone in a very long time. So thank you. That being said, I hope the night doesn't have to end anytime soon."

Her hand slid up my arm to my shoulder then through my hair as she pulled my head towards her. Just before our lips met I said, "Could you excuse me for a moment." She looked a little disturbed and perhaps embarrassed, wondering if I was turned off by something she had said.

When I returned with the "bottle of wine" the smile returned to her face. "You know," she said, "this really is turning out to be the perfect evening."

"It's not what you think," I said.

I took the bottle and cracked it over my head allowing all the tricks to spill out. "Wheeeeee! Hooray! Do you want to see some magic? Come here, look. Lay down bottle. Look, I can make it lay down, can you? Nope, didn't think you could. Got a penny? Here, I got one. I'll put it in this plastic drawer, close the drawer, and now it's gone. Where'd it go? I don't know! It's MAGIC!"

She excused herself to go to the bathroom. I was so enthralled with the magic that the next thing I remember is the sound of her car starting up outside as I shoved the plastic nails through the little plastic container with the plastic coin inside.