What To Fill Your Earholes With When You Write

A lot of my life is spent behind a keyboard.

Because I'm in The Pet Shop Boys.

No, I mean behind a computer keyboard, writing this site or working on freelance work or things like that. I'm a pretty slow, distracted writer and I can't have too much other sensory input or I just start to concentrate on that. I like to write out in the real world, in libraries and coffee shops, I feel this keeps me on track more than when I'm writing from home. But I need to listen to something to block out the sounds from the rest of the world. If I try listening to music, I'll spend too much time concentrating on the songs, and white noise isn't a pleasant sound for me. 

This is a tip I picked up from Matt Mullenweg, the developer behind WordPress, and the idea is to just listen to one song on repeat. That way you're blocking out the outside world, and doing so with something pleasant (unlike white noise) but it's not something that's changing all the time in a way that might hold your attention. And even more than that, it becomes a form of meditation with the song serving as a mantra of concentration. This has been very helpful to me and it has worked the best out of everything I've tried including: listening to nothing, listening to white noise apps, listening to classical music, listening to 3 or 4 different things at once (the idea being that they'll all blend together and you won't be able to identify any one input, but after a while your brain can block out all but the one you want to concentrate on). So give it a shot if you write or do other concentration-heavy work.

I listen to mostly instrumentals. I would say 80% of this site was written while listening to Ratatat. 

A Song to Own Karaoke With Even If You Can't Sing

I'm a decent singer, but I think the idea of making people listen to a decent singer is a strange waste of people's time. So when I do karaoke I always choose a song that gives me an opportunity to do a lot of crowd work, because I'm much better at bullshitting behind a mic than singing. For that reason I always pick a song with a somewhat talk-y verse and a simple chorus. Something like Undone (The Sweater Song) by Weezer or Popular by Nada Surf. These songs have such a natural build to them that the audience is always on board and will take over the chorus. So you can just stick to the talky verse part if you want, and you don't even really need to say whatever the actual lyrics are. Just talk.

My go-to song is, "Mama Told Me Not To Come" by Three Dog Night. But instead of singing the actual verse, which describes a crazy party, I sing about the room we were in and the crowd that is there while I'm singing. As if this present moment was what Mama had warned me against. When the chorus comes around, the audience is turnt up and ready to sing along. 

But that song require a bit of musicianship to sing along to and come up with a rhyming verse on the spot. If musical improv isn't your forte, and you can't sing very well, there is still a song you can get away with just prattling on during the verse and the audience is always hyped for the chorus.

Spill the Wine by Eric Burdon and the Animals.

This song hardly requires any real singing at all. Just riff on some trippy bullshit. Say whatever you see around you:

There's Teddy in accounting
You know that guy's trouble
How them nachos, Teddy?
I hear that. You can't deny that melted cheese.
I eat me some cheese
Yeah that long string cheese
And then I say
I say

Spill the wine! Take that pearl!

The only lyric I actually stick to is in the verse where he's talking about the girls and he's like:

There was long ones, tall ones, short ones, brown ones
Black ones, round ones, big ones, crazy ones

And I point to different women in the audience as examples of each "type." I just do it randomly but it never fails to piss people off. Especially the round ones and the crazy ones. 

It's always a big hit. Give it a shot.

By the way, the absolute 100% best talky-verse/rockin'-chorus song is Moulty by The Barbarians. I wish it was more famous because it would be my karaoke jam. You see, Victor "Moulty" Molton was the drummer for the Barbarians. And he only had one hand because he blew the other one off as a kid making homemade explosives. And so the first few verses are him telling you not to give up because he only has one hand and he's a drummer in a rock band. And this alternates with a killer chorus where the rest of the band sings:

Moulty!
Don't turn away

With the lead singer screaming words of encouragement in a response to the "Don't turn away" chant.

And then Moulty comes back for the final verse where he tells us, that yeah, everything is great, but what he wants now is a girl -- a real girl -- so he can feel complete. The whole song is this crazy mix of earnestness and 60s rock and it's super great. They say not many people bought the first Velvet Underground record, but everyone who did started a band. Well, not many people under the age of 60 are familiar with the song Moulty, but everyone who is will want to blow off their hand in a homemade explosive accident.

Remora Driving

When I was young and poor I used the following driving rules to maximize the speed I could travel on American highways while at the same time pretty much eliminating the possibility of getting a speeding ticket and saving me money on gas.

1. First I asked a lot of friends and friends of friends in law enforcement how fast over the speed limit a driver had to go before cops would bother to stop them for speeding. The average was about 10 miles over the speed limit with the lowest answer being 5 miles over.

2. So when I'd drive on the highway I would start out going 5-10 miles over the speed limit.

3. If a semi-truck passed me I would immediately jump behind the truck and start going whatever speed he was doing. So, maybe he's 15 miles over the speed limit. I just follow him at that speed.

4. If another semi-truck passes the both of us, I fall in line behind that one. And I just continue on doing this every time a semi-truck passes me and the truck I'm with, until eventually I'm attached to the fastest truck on the highway. Late at night that would often mean going 30 or 40 miles above the speed limit. 

I named this style of driving after the remora fish and it's relationship with sharks.

The benefits to driving like this are these:

--  You are essentially taking advantage of the trucker's radar detector/CB-based trucker knowledge of knowing where the cops are. 

-- Even if the truck you're attached to is just a mad-man who isn't paying attention to where the police are and you drive 100 mph past a cop, it doesn't matter for you. A moving violation for a commercial vehicle is a much bigger fish for the cop than a remora like you. Let the trucker get busted and you just slow down and restart the process as described above.

-- You get much better gas mileage by when you're drafting behind a truck. Anywhere from 20% to 45% better gas mileage depending on how willing you are to smash into the back of an 18-wheeler.

I have no idea if truck drivers mind you doing this at all. I've never had an issue with it. I suppose if a bunch of trucks boxed me in then slowed down to a stop and dragged me out of my car I'd just go hyper-queer on them, C.B. Savage-style, and gargle their nuts. (Remora fish are also known as suckerfish.)

If you don't know C.B. Savage, you have to listen to this 1970s work of art.

How to Hear More Farts

When I had an office job I would do this all the time. I'd be in the bathroom doing my business, which for me usually meant screwing around with that floating dice illusion or something equally stupid. (Yes, this is really me doing it in my company bathroom.)

And I'd hear someone come in and sit in the stall next to me but then I would hear no noise from the stall. That was a big clue that this dude had a real doozy brewing in his gut and wanted some privacy before unleashing it. So what I would do is leave my stall, wash my hands, then open and shut the door. But I wouldn't leave. 

Thinking he was alone, the guy would unload a devastating volley of shit and flatulence and when the dust settled and all was quiet I would let out a little "heh-heh-heh" laugh to let him know there was an audience for that symphony. Then the guy, not knowing who the other person in the bathroom was, would spend the rest of the day not being able to look any other guy in the eye.

Welcome To Splooge

Look, I told you back in this post that this blog was eventually going to morph into a lifestyle blog a la Gwyneth Paltrow's Goop. Well, now it's happened. Deal with it.

No, this is not a delayed April Fools joke. Me taking part in April Fools is like a serial rapist celebrating Valentine's day. 

But don't worry, it's not permanent. It's just for the next week or so.

You see, I'm in the final weeks of writing the book and some of the more challenging things I have to write I'm going to be tackling in the next week to 10 days. These are some of the more unusual and mindbending concepts that are in the book and it's going to take intense concentration to explain them in the most understandable way. Now, usually when I'm working hard on something I might come here and work on a post as a bit of a mental break. But writing about magic is not going to be a very fun break from writing about magic. So I'm just not going to write about magic on this site for the next week. Problem solved. 

Over the course of the next week I'll write about some other things I like, ideas I have, heuristics I use, and concepts I've come up with outside of the magic world. From ways to hear people fart more to ways to achieve eternal happiness. There will be tips to save you money, save your relationship, and save your life. I'm not kidding. If you're about to commit suicide, wait 7-10 days. My last post in this series will fix your shit.

You're not interested in hearing this shit? You're pissed the site looks different and you can't find the old posts? Buddy, you wouldn't beliieeevvvve how little I give a shit. Beat it.

The magic will return soon and this site will revert to The Jerx. I've got some real exciting shit coming up. Soon you will learn about the GLOMM (something most all of you will be involved in). You'll hear the results of a test of presentational styles that I recruited a few people to help with last week. And I think I'm going to be posting a trick that ends with the greatest giveaway in the history of magic. And while I'm blowing myself, not only does it have the greatest giveaway, but it's a completely new effect. I don't just mean the trick itself is not like anything that's been seen before (which it is). I mean that I think the nature of the effect is unlike anything that's been seen in magic, as in it falls into none of these classifications. Now there's a chance I may not post this publicly and it may only go to the people who have ordered the book. I said I would keep my best material for them and the only reason it's not going in the book is that it's too difficult to describe in words. It needs videos/GIFs. So it may just be an exclusive for the book buyers. We'll see.

And speaking of the book and me being great... guys, you know how every story deck trick sucks balls? Like the best story deck trick is just the world's most boring story accompanying some good false cuts and shuffles. Well, I've cracked the code on this thing. For a few years I've had a pretty funny story deck trick, and I had the idea to give it a twist ending but it required a specially designed and printed prop, so it was just an idea for a long time. I've finally had the prop printed so I could include it with the book. I've performed the full effect a few times recently and it gets crazy reactions. It goes without saying that the story itself is funnier than every other version (unless, that is, you find saying an address and the concept of making change funny). But the trick is WAY powerful and deceptive in a way that story deck tricks never are. This version gives spectators whiplash. And I don't just mean that metaphorically. One guy who I performed it for last night was so taken aback at the climax that he did a stunned shaking of his head and hurt his neck. For real. It was pretty hilarious. (He's fine.) I'm pretty psyched for you guys to see this. 

All that is yet to come. For now, enjoy my Splooge.

The Great X-Communication/The Jerx/My Email Crossover Post

Oooh, a crossover post! Exciting. This is going to be like the time Archie met Predator, or Charles Barkley met Godzilla.

Except it's the blog I write meeting the newsletter I write meeting an email I wrote.

It starts with this post from a while ago where I was asked to differentiate a good unbelievable premise from a bad one. I encouraged him to ask the question, "Is this a thing?" in regards to his premises. If it's a concept that exists in the real world then you're probably on the right track.

In the past few months I've had some people email and say they don't understand what I'm saying, so I probably didn't explain it well. What follows is an excerpt from X-Communication #5 where I expand on the idea, and an email back and forth with a reader where we hash out the concept as well.

You might already be completely on board with this notion, or you might completely understand my position but disagree with it. If that's the case, you won't necessarily get much out of this post. But I'm not writing this just for you, understand? In a couple hundred years when archaeologists find my laptop and uncover these writings (how do internet work?), I want to make sure this point is clear because for me it has been one of the most useful concepts in finding premises that the type of people I perform for (reasonably intelligent adults) find interesting.

---

From X-Communcation #5, March 2016

Familiarity of cause:

I tried to outline this concept in an old blog post that encouraged you to ask “Is this a thing?” when considering the cause of your effects. Audiences are more engaged in effects where the supposed cause is something they were familiar with before the start of your effect. How is this bill levitating? Is it mass hypnosis? Is it a manipulation of gravitational force? Is it an invisible friend you had since you were a child who is actually real and just picked the bill up off the table? These are all unbelievable ideas, but they’re not unfamiliar ideas, so they are all potentially good premises. But if you say, “The bill is floating because I’ve hypnotized George Washington into thinking he’s a bird,” that’s not going to resonate with anyone. You don’t hypnotize inanimate objects. And you might say, “Well, magicians don’t actually say stuff like that,” but yes they do all the time. I’ve seen magician’s “hypnotize” a deck of cards so it balances on their fingers; have “leader” aces cause the other aces to join them; make “jealous” cards turn green on the back; say encouraging things to cause a card to rise from the deck. While hypnotism, leadership, jealousy, and encouragement are all concepts people are familiar with, they are not familiar with them applying to objects. So it makes for bad presentation unless you perform solely for children.

You could argue, “But this is just a metaphor. No one thinks the ace is really the leader ace. I’m just using that language to clarify the effect.” Yeah, I get that. And so does your audience. They understand that your magic is just a trifle with no relationship to the real world so you have to give it some meaning in a symbolic way because it has no inherent meaning. It’s like teaching someone to tie a tie: “The rabbit goes around the tree and then under the log....” You’re trying to give context to something that is otherwise dull and meaningless. You should really question your material if it needs the context we give to the dull and meaningless. 

---

Email correspondence from November 18, 2015

To: thejerx@gmail.com
From: B--

You write:

"There is a very simple question you can ask yourself to discern if your unbelievable premise is a good one or a bad one. And that question is this: "Is this a thing?""

I dig the simplicity, but the examples you gave confused me.

Time travel is a thing, but "ropes traveling through time" is not a thing. How do I know when to apply the rule?

Or what about whispering decks? Sure they're not a thing but "whispering information" IS a thing. If applying the concept of "ghost" to a floating bill makes for a good premise, why would applying "whisper" to a card divination be any different?

To: B--
From: thejerx@gmail.com

The ropes don't travel through time. The magician travels through time to alter the condition of the ropes in the future. People traveling through time to alter the current situation is a thing.

Whispering decks are not a thing. Inanimate objects don't whisper. 

You're not applying the concept of ghosts to a floating bill. You're saying a ghost is causing the bill to float. A spirit being trapped in an object and moving it is a concept that exists in popular culture.

If we lived in a world where one of our popular delusions was that objects whispered in our ears, then that would be a fine premise. But we don't, so it's a made up magic premise. 

To: thejerx@gmail.com
From: B--

But inanimate objects whisper, talk, and are anthropomorphized all the time in popular culture! Think about movies like Toy Story. Wall-E. And if we go further back, we have talking sticks in the bible, whispering pots in Anderson's myths. Etc.

People traveling through time is a trope, sure. But so are OBJECTS traveling through time. Time machines. Swords. Treasure. So the distinction isn't clear to me.

I think maybe the question isn't "is it a real thing" but rather "how can we MAKE IT a real thing".

To: B--
From: thejerx@gmail.com

If you want to say you sent the rope back through time, that's fine with me too. I just think it's less interesting than saying you went back through time.

The purpose of that post was to discuss what types of premises I believe audiences have an easier time connecting with. And my point is that it's probably more engaging for an audience when the premise is something relatable (albeit unbelievable). 

How was this amazing thing accomplished?

• Time travel
• Ghosts
• ESP
• Coincidence
• The deck talked to me

The first four are all rich subjects that can be mined for interesting presentational angles. The fifth is not.

If your audience relates to whispering sticks from the bible, then that's perfectly in line with my point. Tell them your deck of cards was crafted from that stick in the bible. Talky Bible Stick is my favorite bible character. My friends don't know that much about the bible unfortunately.

Anthropomorphizing things is what we do to explain to children. And it's a big part of the reason why magic often comes off as being for children and magician's come off as being condescending.

To: thejerx@gmail.com
From: B--

Assuming by "good premise" you mean interesting and compelling (is that a fair interpretation?), the problem with a whispering deck isn't that "whispering things" aren't real, it's that it's a boring ass premise. And I totally agree, that WE traveling through time is better than a rope traveling through time, and a ghost is more compelling than a whispering deck.

I dig that. So instead of:

"There is a very simple question you can ask yourself to discern if your unbelievable premise is a good one or a bad one. And that question is this: "Is this a thing?"

we get:
"Is this [the most interesting type] of thing?"

Which means what makes a good (i.e. compelling/interesting) premise good is that it is compelling/interesting (i.e. good). Which kinda doesn't say anything.

What I dig is the idea of the premises being UNBELIEVABLE. Because that's TOTALLY contrary to the way so many "popular" performers are trying to convey their magic.

To: B--
From: thejerx@gmail.com

In regards to that blog post it was just a matter of trying to answer the reader's question, "How do I differentiate a good unbelievable premise from a bad unbelievable premise." And my answer is that if that premise is a concept that already exists, then it has the potential to be a good premise because it's a concept an audience can relate to and will possibly hook them in some way that you can't even plan for.

As I've stated in some other post, my favorite reaction is when a spectator will find themselves, however briefly, believing something unbelievable. The jack got angry and changed from blue to red is not a premise that people could even consider buying into for a moment. Cards don't get angry. Yes, anger exists. And humans and other animals may turn red. But that doesn't explain how this card changed.

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April Fools!

Hahahahaha

oh my god...

hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha
hahahahahahahahahahahahaha

I totally got you fuckers good. 

You guys were all like, "uh-duhr, duhr... look at this resolution before Congress to recognize magic as an art."

I made that up. It doesn't exist. "Eric Hogue" is a made up person. I took that picture from a royalty-free image source. "Wylie, Texas" doesn't exist. Copperfield is totally in on it. It was a goof that you all fell for!

So we can all forget about this now. It was an April Fools Day prank by me. And now that the day has passed we can let this go. I appreciate all the people who saw how funny it was -- an art form that is often seen as being full of desperate validation seekers, desperately seeking validation by asking for a resolution to be passed to recognize it as art -- and tweeted it and spread the word. But now we can stop doing that. Because whatever could possibly be gained by pushing this legislation through (this fake legislation that I completely made up), is wholly negated by the fact that we need to push it through in the first place.

Certainly the girl who says, "Tell me I'm pretty," doesn't really believe she is. And the person who is coerced into corroborating that statement doesn't believe it either. 

AND THAT'S WHAT MAKES THIS WHOLE THING FUNNY! It's my funny joke! Not a sad reality that reflects poorly on magic. So for all the laymen who saw this as pathetic and made comments to that effect online, what do you have to say now when you realize it was ALL A JOKE? Magicians are very confident that what they do is an art and certainly don't need congress to affirm that. I swear.